Two Months

I remember...

Been lost in a spiralling vortex... was'nt so sure I wanted to come back....
I'm still not sure..... But here I am, anyway......

Chapter 2 (Part 2)

Silence..
Is darkness,night, emptiness
Peace or chaos
Silence waits in random moments
Dreaming ,vibrating
Silence is bright at its best
Silence is hell, if abandoned
Or unwanted

Shame..
I refuse to own you
I move past you
You will not darken
my sunny days...

Trust..
Is hard
Weakness
Or strength
It takes.

Fear..
You wake me
You clench my insides
Twist me
into knots
Waiting in dark alleys of my mind
amid the forgotten
Laughing callous faces
You tame
Although I try to resist your wiles.

Passion..
In every breath
I want you desperately
To live in your light
To intangled in your embrace
You are LIFE
Lived fully.

Courage..
Is red and purple and orange
When playful
On rare occasions,
It is black
when much strength
and sadness
combine
Courage,
for me
is getting past you
and finding ME

Inner Voice..
You scream
and whisper
Coerce..
Anxiously I listen
Desperatly
I follow
I do I obey?


Inner Voice
Whispers in the trees, rocks me soothing..
breeze
It is everywhere
It screams, conjoles
It is tender and wild
Knows my every dream, thought
It brainstorms, plans
opens doors, opens eyes
It wears cashmere and leather
It mirrors my dreams
knows my secrets
It sings, it weeps, it wonders
It dances..
At its worst
it thrashes painfully
Taunting, biting, berating.

3 things that awaken/inspire my innervoice
1 Nature, trees, sky ,water
2 Color/Music
3 Life

My inner Voice tells me to write about these things in my life;
1. My past
2. My future/Change
3. Dreams/Ideas

Writing Exercise (part 1 Chapter 2)

What Scares You?

Death; At night in bed.
The words in my childhood haunt...
Incertainty
Is it Peace?, Or Hell?


What Angers You?

Lies; You don't know me.
You don't care.
You remind me
of betrayals
to many
They've all forgotten.
I hate you.


What Saddens You?

It comes so suddenly
like its hiding already;
crouching in my chest.
And then I'm crying
I'm alone
no one cares
Suck it up
Its all up to you.


What Delights You?

I'm outside
I don't care what I look like
no one sees me anyway
The Trees...
Texture; Emeralds
Fresh Breeze
I breathe deep
Pure joy
I can be anything
I can BE
And everything is beautiful.


What Intrigues You?

Faces
Beautiful People
I imagine
Their lives
They ALL radiate
Beauty
and
they
don't
even
know....
I wonder about me?


What Do You Appreciate About The Person You Are?

I Understand....
Sometimes I hate that I understand.


Silence is..
sleep. I rarely even remember
my dreams..
They are absorbed.
Racing mind when I'm awake;
Silence is never truely silent.
Just a sense of..
Stillness
Breathing
Chest wide
Peace.


I Would Like To Travel To:
Must I choose?
Everywhere
I want to drink it all in.


I Want To Experince:
Freedom.


I'm Attracted To The Following Places In Nature:
Deep green; Swaying Trees
The Forest..
Blue deep as night;Soft daylight
Rivers,Oceans.. The sound of water,,
And air.
Rain... Storms.
Fields, That go on forever
Yellow, Green, Flower filled.

I forgive you for being damaged; and in your ignorance damaging me

I was blessed with nine hours of sleep last night. Not continuous sleep, I was wakened a couple times, but nine hours of broken sleep is lightyears better than 0-3 hours of broken sleep which is my norm. I got up at 5:30. Fed and changed the baby, checked my e-mail and Facebook ;) and made myself some coffee and a piece of whole grain toast lightly spread with nutella. I would like to say I got a workout in.. but I haven't ;). I still need to take a shower and possibly get a load of dishes done, before it is time to head out the door to work. I am working on my thinking.. concious and unconcious, and loving myself. I have let both myself and others take so much from me emotionally and physically and conciously haven't even notice. I continued beating myself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough energy, not enough not enough. I would withhold rather stupid things from myself. Waiting for a perfect me, and/or a perfect moment. To throughly explain how complete my self denial is, I will give you a mild example of what I caught myself doing this morning. After getting a plate out for my toast I opened the silverware drawer for a butter knife to spread the nutella. I picked up a knife I like , the look the feel. I like it... nothing special about it, but I like it... I found myself putting it down to choose a different butter knife!!! Denying myself the use of a certain butter knife because I LIKE IT? Silly in its underhanded and sneaky self deprecation. Yet kinda major for me when I realized how bad its gotten. I have a skin picking problem. When I was younger(teens and a few time when I was older) I cut. I have been tearing myself to pieces for years. And just not thinking about it. Because no one else seem to notice and definately didn't seem to care. But then again why should they?.. I don't and it isn't really anyone elses problem. I have some pretty severe issues with my parents, especially my mother,that are almost impossible for me to explain. So (I am in tears now) :( Soo I am trying to be more concious of ME. I have some huge changes to make. I am so throughly unhappy. I am NOT ME. Not only the ME I WANT TO BE. But ME at all. No one is going to rescue me. No one is going to suddenly understand me , espeacially if I stay hidden. I have ME and that is all. SO I am going to start looking much deeper at me. ... ...

Breathing (writing exercise)

You were there in my dreams;
my nightmares
In the dark and light of day and night
Alone I listen ragged sobbing,
sleepy soft....
Even when completely forgotten in the heat of any moment
you were still there;
Silent and strong
Sometimes weak, begging greedy gulping
From the moment I was pulled from my mothers ripped womb
I gasped
groping for life
and you were there.

Short Story (A Writing Exercise)

She adjusted his tie. I made some coffee, would you like me to pour you some she asked leaning back to see his face. "Just fill my thermos", he answered distractedly craning to peer over her head
at his phone and some "important" text or such. "Yes Dear" she murmered.
He left grabbing the thermos off the counter, "thanks hon" , he said his back towards her. He was gone again. She went about her normal day. The days had turned into months and months to years. She couldn't remember the last time he had really seen her. She didn't really know if she actually existed anymore. She pressed his shirts and hung them in the closet. Swept the floors, made the bed up with clean linens. Every once in a while she caught herself just standing there staring into space. She shook herself mildly annoyed and headed to the kitchen for a break. pouring herself a cup of coffee. She sat at the table gazing out the the window. It was a beautiful day but she didnt notice. The phone jangled on the wall, and for a moment she didnt notice that either. Then she quickly shook herself "awake" and grabbed the reciever. Randalls Residense she answered pleasently. Hon? I am bringing some co-workers home for dinner. I have to go now. Click. She stood holding the buzzing phone in her hand. How many? ANd well she wasn't at all prepared for this, It was Thursday and usually they went out for dinner on Thursdays. She brushed a light brown strand of hair from her clear green eyes and sighed. Well Then.

Hours later...
Brushing her hands off on her apron, she heard her husbands car pulling into the drive. The soft purr of the engine and then silence . Doors slammed muted in the fuzzy warm summers evening. There was laughter, And her husband coming in the door "Honey!" I'm hooomee! more laughter. The sound of a few women and the barotone laughter of a male. She quickly pulled the apron off. Oh! she sighed I didnt get a chance to clean up! She smoothed her hair and dress with her hands and came out to the livingroom entry. Hullo dear, she said softly. Could you bring some drinks hon? Her husband responded with not much then a glance. She turned away on her heel quickly. She didnt want anyone to see the tears she so acutely felt burning in the corners of her eyes. she could hear the them laughing and talking in the livingroom. She mixed the drinks quickly. Picking up the tray of drinks and snacks she headed for the door of the kitchen. She could seem them sitting on her furniture talking and having a wonderful time. Her husband was speaking to one of the women. Looking her in the eye. She leaned forward saying something softly and then the whole group burst into laughter. The women shook back long blond hair and gave her husband what seemed a very knowing look. Which she could of sworn he returned to the blond woman. Her husband loosened his tie and looked up seeing her in the doorway. Oh hello.... you. Did you bring the drinks? She looked down at the tray in her hand. Oh dear, I forgot something she said , quickly turning back to the kitchen.

She leaned against the counter. Anger and sadness swept through her small frame. She brushed at her eyes. but there were no tears, Just a strange coldness rolling in like a fog, sweeping through her. She walked stiffly to the cabinet beneathe the sink and almost roboticly picked up a box. She mixed the extra ingrediet into the drinks. Smiling a small strange smile she pronounced them perfect. plastering a big smile on her face she picked up the tray , tiltes her head , and set the drinks before her husband and his companions. Thanks hon. he said once more with barely a glance. But then he looked up at her sharply. Are you alright hon? Oh wonderful she smiled, but I think I am going to go poor myself a glass of wine dear. She turned back to the kitchen humming softly. mechanically she opened the bottle of wine and poured herself a healthy dose of red. She could hear strange choking from the livingroom. She sipped her wine smiling and bobbing her head to some tune only she could hear. setting her now empty glass on the cooktop she smoothed her dress and walked her hips swaying gently to the livingoom She pushed the limp form of the blond away from her husband and sat beside him on the sofa. He looked up at her , fear and shock in his quickly glazing eyes. He tried to speak but a frothy foam came from his lips. Oh shh , love she cooed. She kissed him on the forehead. You know how much I love you? she smiled but her eyes were empty.
She pulled him up to a sitting position smoothing the wrinkles from his shirt, she adjusted his tie.

Writing Exercise

Here I am. Stuck in my crib. Mommy laid me down with a smile and a lilting "nappy time honey". No nap no nap no nap, I chant hoping mommy will come back and realize what a bad idea it is for me to take nap. Its day time about one o'clock. So far today we have taking Abby to school.Abby is my big sister, she is fourteen. And she pretty much ignores me. Mommy says that what teenagers do. We came home and mommy read to me and I helped with the dishes and laundry and vaccumming. Mommy helped me use the big toilet but nothing happened even though I waited and waited. It was cold and uncomfortable and I started whining. Mommy sighed and let me off. Now I am here in my crib and I can feel myself beginning to drift. The sun and shadows are dancing across my wall hypnotizing and lulling me against my will. My name is Carter Ashton Tate, I am two years old..... My name is Carter Ashton Tate.. ANd I DON"T NEED A NAP!!!! But my eyes close anyway. I slip away floating in a velvety starry space. It seems like mere moments and then mommy is smiling down at me "wakey wakey my blue eyed boy!" She pushes my short red hair out of my bleary sleep filled eyes and smiles wide . Its snack time! I have your favorite! blueberries and sweet potato bread! She lifts me up. "Did my Car have a good Nap", she asks. "I knew you were tired"! She lifts me over the rail and sets me down on the wood floor. And I am off, chubby legs flying down the hall. Its SNACK TIME!

A Time You Needed Alcohol Or Chocolate (exercise #4)

I met him one night after work. The girls at the store had invited me out for drinks at a bar down the road. I was newly single. But it didnt feel real.
I sat at the table the girls were laughing drunk taking turns at karaoke. I sat , holding myself up in a pose. Smiling on occasion. Drink after drink. I was being supplied. I looked up and saw him across the room. He was , the type of guy I knew I could only admire, tall ,dark and hansome. I knew I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough. Or really "Enough" at all. So I just took peeks and sipped my drink and continued to smile and pose.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned in my seat startled to find him standing behind me. "You want to dance", he asked. My first thought was to blow him off. But I managed a weak "sure". Trying to sound fun and sexy and sure. We danced for a couple songs and I went back to my seat. He came back a while later slipping me his phone number. I was elated. I must be dreaming I thought , or I'm really that drunk.
A couple nights later he came into the store and offered me a ride home after work. The whole evening I wondered if this was for real. He was waiting for me in the parking lot at closing time. I slid into the front seat of his tiny sports car. "Hey", He said "I was wondering if you wanted to go to my house and watch a movie"? Ummm, (I wasn't THAT naive). "Yeah, okay" I said. I was scared. But in that young , free and nothing to lose kind of way, That is exciting and dangerous. I followed him into the house. "You want a drink or anything", he asked? "Yeah some booze would be great", I said laughing. "Okay", he said. "No, its okay", I said quickly. "I have some tequila, how about a sunrise?", You were drinking those at the bar right? , He asked. "Um yeah okay", I said. We took the drinks upstairs , crawled through his bedroom window and sat on the roof drinking and talking until nearly four. Strangely it turned into a wonderful evening. I had really needed this. Connection and the lubricating libation. The beginning of many ends.

Hail In July Exercise #3

I remember that day in July, it hailed. I heard the jangle of keys in the front door and turned my head deeper into the pillow, praying perhaps I'd disappear.
Mr Warren! The housekeeper, Mauve. A holdover from before my wife passed. Her voice echo in my head. Mandy mewled as I roughly turned over in the unwashed sheets to face the wall away from the door. Mandy had been "her" favorite cat. Her "girl".
Not to long after we found we couldn't have children, my wife had begun "collecting" them. They were now her children. And there were ten of them.
My wife had been dead three years now..
"Mr Warren!" Mauves voice. I grumbled as she briskly came into the room. "Its 4:15 in the evening!" She opened the drapes and the late afternoon sun engulfed the small dark room. Dust motes circled lazily in the air. Argh! A sharp pain stabbed behind my eyes.
"Drinking again", she mumbled. She scooped up Mandy and marched out the bedroom door, the cats following inmasse. I heard the crinkling of the economy size bag of cat food and water running from the kitchen faucet. And then the contented scuffle of cats.
Then she was in the doorway again. There was a sigh."Its been three years David", I pretended I was asleep. "There was nothing you could do, she was gone before you even got the call"....
A swell of pain and anger clenched my chest.
I thought of my wife, my pretty Maggie, smiling up at me, her head on my chest, as she spoke of children and moving out of the big city.
"You know we can't have the children here", she stated matter-of-factly, "its too dangerous". She pushed aside a lock of dark hair from her sparkling brown eyes. So young, full of life and dreams. I had been on the New York Police force for just one year. My dream. Life was great.
I took a deep breath hoping she had left the room. There was another sigh. Then, "okay", "I left an egg salad sandwich and some soup for you in the kitchen". Oh. And the cats are fed. Take care David.I'll be back Friday. There was a pause and as if an afterthought, "You know, Maggie wouldn't have wanted this , she loved you". There were footsteps and the front door clicked softly and she was gone.
I let out a breath of relief, and fell back into my semi comatose state. It seemed like mere minutes, But time was static to me anymore. There was a loud crash. and then several more pounding crashing sounds. I sat up sharply nearly falling out of bed and tripping over the sheet wrapped around my ankles. I kicked it off, agitated, and stumbled down the hall, to the library.
The balconey door was shattered , on the floor a large chunk of ice. Outside hail was falling in droves. A car alarm sounded shrilly. Strangely the sun was still shining and there was awarm breeze. I stared shaking my head in wonder and picked up the jelly jar off the table, filling it with whiskey, I gulped the warming liquid and turned away from the broken door.
I noticed the apartment was silent, strangely empty feeling. There was no sea of cats around my ankles. Odd. I headed back to the bedroom.
A soft grey ball of fluff lay on Maggie's side of the bed. Off Mandy! I gruffly sat down to shove her off. Her fur was wet, ice glistened, She didn't move. Mandy was cold and stiff. For the first time in over three years I felt something loosen inside , there was a strange wetness on my cheeks. Tears.
The apartment was too silent. And so cold. And I knew now my Maggie had been here all along. But now... she was truly gone. I hadn't known this bone numbing emptiness till now. Her soul had flown away. I crumpled to the floor. I didn't know Maggie! I still need you!

Tell me about a breakfast you were once priviledged to have (exercise #2)

It was cold. I hadn't slept all night. Hadn't really slept in a week. She was asleep and I was jealous. I kissed her on the lips while she slept. Her lips were so soft and kissable. I crossed the over air-conditioned motel room in to the too small cold bathroom. I turned on the shower and sat on the toilet waiting for it to heat and then just enjoying the warm steam, staring at my face in the quickly fogging mirror. My stomach growled. I had mainly lived on warm pepsi and marlboro cigerettes and a cold day-old piece of pizza scarfed down the night before last. I pushed my now lank damp red hair behind my ear and placed a hand on my soft belly and scoffed at myself. How could I be so damn hungry and fat! I wouldn't complain.
After my shower I opened the door wrapped in one thin itchy motel towel and drying my hair with the other. She was awake fiddling with the cd player our friends had left the night before. She turned on a Gina G. single, Ooh Ah just a little bit! Oooh Ah............. I smiled. She was wearing only a white button up mens shirt, Mine. And looking incredibly sexy. She smiled at me. I'm soooo hungry she moaned. ME TOO! I gasped laughing. We were to be out of the motel by 11:00 and our funds came to about a measly $4.00.
Theres a Denny's around the corner she said. What are we going to get for $4 bucks I thought. But agreed, as she slipped her jeans and tennis shoes on.
Putting my wet hair in one of those messy buns we headed down the busy street and around the corner.
The restuarant smelled soo good bacon and coffee. My stomach growled again. We settled on two coffees and one plate of hash browns to share. I was afraid I would consume the whole plate by accident if I was not careful! The first bite made my mouth hurt. I guess thats from when the saliva glands start working again and there is this sharp sting. I don't believe I'v ever eatten better hash browns.
Strangely enough I'm not even to fond of resturant hashbrowns as they are ofter to oily, soggy ectera. But that day... well you could of fooled me.

Resemblance?

What Do You Think?

What Have You Tried To Repair (writing excercise #1)

With this question the first thing to come to mind (after visions of me sitting surrounded by radio parts or fixing a toaster, don't ask random things just pop into my head ;o))
was "relationships", and then "ME".
Maybe that says alot there?
I feel I am always trying to put things back together. When they somehow come apart. Usual with romantic relationships, but also with family.friends ectera. I feel relationships are very important and communication even more so. I become desperate almost trying to make "people" understand or "hear".... And when someone doesn't seem to hear or TRY, It seems to me that the relationship, and therefore ME is not important.....
Next, "ME". I start. I'm always "starting". And always letting myself down. I guess because stupidly I feel if no one cares or even notices, whats the point. Dumb.
I start with lists. Lists of "Me", Who I am, What i Want, What I Like, What I Want To DO. On and on.. I love lists :/.
There is one thing I know though... I'll never stop trying to put all the pieces together. Because someday maybe I'll get it all fixed.

So-o its been a month since I'v written (typed) BLOGGED. A month and five days if you really want to get technical. So, yeah. My bad. Damn good thing the world doesn't revolve around me ;)
My dear ol PC took a time out for awhile and it just was fixed a couple days ago.
I also disowned my father this last month... or he disowned me .. hmmm who knows , we never had much of a relationship anyway. But regardless.. no daddy anymore. mmmm yea.
So without further ado. I'm still live and kicking. Same as it ever was. Just thought I'd check in anyway. To tired to really make any effort though ;)

So its been ten days since I've been here. I didn't really want to come now.I've been, blah to say the least. I always am this time of year. Tomorrow is my 29Th birthday. Its depressing. Not the aging. I don't really care about that so much. Just , well a million other things. So honestly I'm only even here just to prove to my self I can keep up on SOMETHING! I've also done my daily work out for five days straight! Yay me ;p. Baby steps I say BABY STEPS. Well I think I'll leave you all now with those final titillating words for thought ;). I am going to go climb back into bed (hopefully) I've gotten all of a half an hour of sleep.

Ramblings Of the Slightly Insane Delusional Sleep Deprived Zombie Coffee-Couldn't-Save-Me-Now........

Exhausted.
The insomnia gets worse the closer my "time-of-the-month" comes. Last night (I can't even call it last night its nearly 8 am and I haven't gone to bed yet!) I layed in bed so tired my eyes burned when I opened them... praying for sleep.. But my brain and body conspired against me and refused to release me.

Thank goodness I have today off. But I don't have TIME to be sleeping all day!

This atrocity goes on all month getting increasingly worse the closer "IT" comes.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going nuts!

Then of course there are the (few) nights I could possibly get a little sleep and my dear darling sweet baby boy decides he wants to get up every hour.

My BF has some kind of weird sleeping disorder where he can not keep his eyes open after a certain point. So he can't really ever get up with baby. And on the occasion I make him I have to stay up anyway because he (BF) is falling over with baby in his lap.

I am losing my mind!! Okay well I guess I said my piece? :O
Have to go wake up the darling daughter for school.

Baby has a cold. He is sleeping like an angel...
Jokes on me...

Perception and Blessings

Faith healing.. I can't BELIEVE people who do this. They don't BELIEVE in modern medicine? Well folks it is real. As REAL as the nose on your face. And how is it that GOD can give us the means to be well and these people can more or less spit in his face and say "thats not good enough" GIVE ME A BETTER MIRACLE. Sickening. People-Exhaust-Me-

Dreaming I'm Awake

I need to organize.
I'v been wanting/needing to get this done for the last year. Since I found out I was pregnant November 08. Well baby will be six months old in three weeks, and I have'nt done... well pretty much anything. This has been stressfull and depressing. To some degree I feel I have been fighting an uphill battle with life, kids, work, baby,exhaustion, lack of sleep,anxiety, blah blah blah. But it gets to the point where these all just start looking like excuses...

Time just seems to be flying by. Everyday another day wasted..
I realized as I was lying on the couch this evening enjoying a book, something I haven't done in quite some time, strangely enough. Considering I list reading as one of my interests and I have loved doing so since I was very young. I have silently been putting all of me on the back burner. Bit by bit. I had known to some degree I was doing this but I had'nt realized how much so until this evening with my book.

I never thought reading would be something I "didn't do", but then I never thought I would put away my pencils and paint and paintbrushes, my journals, my friends... My life..

I want to simplify. And I want to make room in my life.. for me.
I cant keep putting my dreams away. Waiting.. for what and when? What then is L-I-F-E?

This week, My son has Finally concluded his "potty training". This is huge stuff, as he is four and a half and will be starting kindergarten this coming Fall. Yay! It just seemed to suddenly "click" , hes a "big boy" and his little brother is a "baby". Ah and after all that stress for all of us , trying to force , coerce, trick, treat and buy his way into using the "big boy toilet". Sigh..
One thing off the list! I'm on a roll now!

New Years Resolutions;Life Goals & Such

1. Learn to knit

2. Own a house

3. Complete my bedroom sanctuary

4. Find peace

5. Make art

6. Do what makes me happy

7. Salvage friendships

8. Simplify

9. Exercise

10. Find opportunity to give

11. Cook

12. Forgive

13. Love

14. Push Myself harder

15.Help Aeron complete his potty training endeavor

16. Keep a plant alive longer then a year

17. TRAVEL

18. Dream

19. Have more sex

20. Be more connected, to myself as well as others

21. Be Authentic, regardless of everyone else

22.Put nothing off

23. Live Now

24. teach my children well (they will not raise themselves)

25. Be better....

26. Fall in love

27. Look for beauty in EVERY moment and EVERYONE

28. Meditate

29. Build a closer relationship with my daughter

30. Get a tattoo

31. Drink more water

32. Be healthier

33. Lose wieght

To Be Continued..

Apathy Is Death

I didn't sleep again last night... Once again anticipating disaster? I know I will be able to catch a delirious bit of a siesta later this afternoon, but this only makes me feel worse. Spending every minute of my life in oblivion of exhaustion and anxiety. I don't draw or paint anymore. I don't do ANYTHING anymore. I might as well be dead.

I just want to live again.....