Friday, April 23, 2010

Chapter 2 (Part 2)

Is darkness,night, emptiness
Peace or chaos
Silence waits in random moments
Dreaming ,vibrating
Silence is bright at its best
Silence is hell, if abandoned
Or unwanted

I refuse to own you
I move past you
You will not darken
my sunny days...

Is hard
Or strength
It takes.

You wake me
You clench my insides
Twist me
into knots
Waiting in dark alleys of my mind
amid the forgotten
Laughing callous faces
You tame
Although I try to resist your wiles.

In every breath
I want you desperately
To live in your light
To intangled in your embrace
You are LIFE
Lived fully.

Is red and purple and orange
When playful
On rare occasions,
It is black
when much strength
and sadness
for me
is getting past you
and finding ME

Inner Voice..
You scream
and whisper
Anxiously I listen
I follow
I do I obey?

Inner Voice
Whispers in the trees, rocks me soothing..
It is everywhere
It screams, conjoles
It is tender and wild
Knows my every dream, thought
It brainstorms, plans
opens doors, opens eyes
It wears cashmere and leather
It mirrors my dreams
knows my secrets
It sings, it weeps, it wonders
It dances..
At its worst
it thrashes painfully
Taunting, biting, berating.

3 things that awaken/inspire my innervoice
1 Nature, trees, sky ,water
2 Color/Music
3 Life

My inner Voice tells me to write about these things in my life;
1. My past
2. My future/Change
3. Dreams/Ideas

Monday, April 19, 2010

Writing Exercise (part 1 Chapter 2)

What Scares You?

Death; At night in bed.
The words in my childhood haunt...
Is it Peace?, Or Hell?

What Angers You?

Lies; You don't know me.
You don't care.
You remind me
of betrayals
to many
They've all forgotten.
I hate you.

What Saddens You?

It comes so suddenly
like its hiding already;
crouching in my chest.
And then I'm crying
I'm alone
no one cares
Suck it up
Its all up to you.

What Delights You?

I'm outside
I don't care what I look like
no one sees me anyway
The Trees...
Texture; Emeralds
Fresh Breeze
I breathe deep
Pure joy
I can be anything
I can BE
And everything is beautiful.

What Intrigues You?

Beautiful People
I imagine
Their lives
They ALL radiate
I wonder about me?

What Do You Appreciate About The Person You Are?

I Understand....
Sometimes I hate that I understand.

Silence is..
sleep. I rarely even remember
my dreams..
They are absorbed.
Racing mind when I'm awake;
Silence is never truely silent.
Just a sense of..
Chest wide

I Would Like To Travel To:
Must I choose?
I want to drink it all in.

I Want To Experince:

I'm Attracted To The Following Places In Nature:
Deep green; Swaying Trees
The Forest..
Blue deep as night;Soft daylight
Rivers,Oceans.. The sound of water,,
And air.
Rain... Storms.
Fields, That go on forever
Yellow, Green, Flower filled.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I forgive you for being damaged; and in your ignorance damaging me

I was blessed with nine hours of sleep last night. Not continuous sleep, I was wakened a couple times, but nine hours of broken sleep is lightyears better than 0-3 hours of broken sleep which is my norm. I got up at 5:30. Fed and changed the baby, checked my e-mail and Facebook ;) and made myself some coffee and a piece of whole grain toast lightly spread with nutella. I would like to say I got a workout in.. but I haven't ;). I still need to take a shower and possibly get a load of dishes done, before it is time to head out the door to work. I am working on my thinking.. concious and unconcious, and loving myself. I have let both myself and others take so much from me emotionally and physically and conciously haven't even notice. I continued beating myself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough energy, not enough not enough. I would withhold rather stupid things from myself. Waiting for a perfect me, and/or a perfect moment. To throughly explain how complete my self denial is, I will give you a mild example of what I caught myself doing this morning. After getting a plate out for my toast I opened the silverware drawer for a butter knife to spread the nutella. I picked up a knife I like , the look the feel. I like it... nothing special about it, but I like it... I found myself putting it down to choose a different butter knife!!! Denying myself the use of a certain butter knife because I LIKE IT? Silly in its underhanded and sneaky self deprecation. Yet kinda major for me when I realized how bad its gotten. I have a skin picking problem. When I was younger(teens and a few time when I was older) I cut. I have been tearing myself to pieces for years. And just not thinking about it. Because no one else seem to notice and definately didn't seem to care. But then again why should they?.. I don't and it isn't really anyone elses problem. I have some pretty severe issues with my parents, especially my mother,that are almost impossible for me to explain. So (I am in tears now) :( Soo I am trying to be more concious of ME. I have some huge changes to make. I am so throughly unhappy. I am NOT ME. Not only the ME I WANT TO BE. But ME at all. No one is going to rescue me. No one is going to suddenly understand me , espeacially if I stay hidden. I have ME and that is all. SO I am going to start looking much deeper at me. ... ...

Friday, April 2, 2010

Breathing (writing exercise)

You were there in my dreams;
my nightmares
In the dark and light of day and night
Alone I listen ragged sobbing,
sleepy soft....
Even when completely forgotten in the heat of any moment
you were still there;
Silent and strong
Sometimes weak, begging greedy gulping
From the moment I was pulled from my mothers ripped womb
I gasped
groping for life
and you were there.