Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I forgive you for being damaged; and in your ignorance damaging me

I was blessed with nine hours of sleep last night. Not continuous sleep, I was wakened a couple times, but nine hours of broken sleep is lightyears better than 0-3 hours of broken sleep which is my norm. I got up at 5:30. Fed and changed the baby, checked my e-mail and Facebook ;) and made myself some coffee and a piece of whole grain toast lightly spread with nutella. I would like to say I got a workout in.. but I haven't ;). I still need to take a shower and possibly get a load of dishes done, before it is time to head out the door to work. I am working on my thinking.. concious and unconcious, and loving myself. I have let both myself and others take so much from me emotionally and physically and conciously haven't even notice. I continued beating myself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough energy, not enough not enough. I would withhold rather stupid things from myself. Waiting for a perfect me, and/or a perfect moment. To throughly explain how complete my self denial is, I will give you a mild example of what I caught myself doing this morning. After getting a plate out for my toast I opened the silverware drawer for a butter knife to spread the nutella. I picked up a knife I like , the look the feel. I like it... nothing special about it, but I like it... I found myself putting it down to choose a different butter knife!!! Denying myself the use of a certain butter knife because I LIKE IT? Silly in its underhanded and sneaky self deprecation. Yet kinda major for me when I realized how bad its gotten. I have a skin picking problem. When I was younger(teens and a few time when I was older) I cut. I have been tearing myself to pieces for years. And just not thinking about it. Because no one else seem to notice and definately didn't seem to care. But then again why should they?.. I don't and it isn't really anyone elses problem. I have some pretty severe issues with my parents, especially my mother,that are almost impossible for me to explain. So (I am in tears now) :( Soo I am trying to be more concious of ME. I have some huge changes to make. I am so throughly unhappy. I am NOT ME. Not only the ME I WANT TO BE. But ME at all. No one is going to rescue me. No one is going to suddenly understand me , espeacially if I stay hidden. I have ME and that is all. SO I am going to start looking much deeper at me. ... ...


  1. My partner also had a skin picking problem.. something related to self esteem - but i think u know this already.. Creative people are often tortured in these ways..Therapy can work but you have to get yourself out there i think.. and try to smile more.. exercise also is good for the mind.. hard when yr down, but ive been suffering alot from anxiety etc too.. these things help..
    hang in there..

  2. You are light, Maxine. It's bubbling up in your chest, waiting to break through the surface. Just let it. I think you're on to something big.