Two Months

I remember...

Been lost in a spiralling vortex... was'nt so sure I wanted to come back....
I'm still not sure..... But here I am, anyway......

Chapter 2 (Part 2)

Silence..
Is darkness,night, emptiness
Peace or chaos
Silence waits in random moments
Dreaming ,vibrating
Silence is bright at its best
Silence is hell, if abandoned
Or unwanted

Shame..
I refuse to own you
I move past you
You will not darken
my sunny days...

Trust..
Is hard
Weakness
Or strength
It takes.

Fear..
You wake me
You clench my insides
Twist me
into knots
Waiting in dark alleys of my mind
amid the forgotten
Laughing callous faces
You tame
Although I try to resist your wiles.

Passion..
In every breath
I want you desperately
To live in your light
To intangled in your embrace
You are LIFE
Lived fully.

Courage..
Is red and purple and orange
When playful
On rare occasions,
It is black
when much strength
and sadness
combine
Courage,
for me
is getting past you
and finding ME

Inner Voice..
You scream
and whisper
Coerce..
Anxiously I listen
Desperatly
I follow
I do I obey?


Inner Voice
Whispers in the trees, rocks me soothing..
breeze
It is everywhere
It screams, conjoles
It is tender and wild
Knows my every dream, thought
It brainstorms, plans
opens doors, opens eyes
It wears cashmere and leather
It mirrors my dreams
knows my secrets
It sings, it weeps, it wonders
It dances..
At its worst
it thrashes painfully
Taunting, biting, berating.

3 things that awaken/inspire my innervoice
1 Nature, trees, sky ,water
2 Color/Music
3 Life

My inner Voice tells me to write about these things in my life;
1. My past
2. My future/Change
3. Dreams/Ideas

Writing Exercise (part 1 Chapter 2)

What Scares You?

Death; At night in bed.
The words in my childhood haunt...
Incertainty
Is it Peace?, Or Hell?


What Angers You?

Lies; You don't know me.
You don't care.
You remind me
of betrayals
to many
They've all forgotten.
I hate you.


What Saddens You?

It comes so suddenly
like its hiding already;
crouching in my chest.
And then I'm crying
I'm alone
no one cares
Suck it up
Its all up to you.


What Delights You?

I'm outside
I don't care what I look like
no one sees me anyway
The Trees...
Texture; Emeralds
Fresh Breeze
I breathe deep
Pure joy
I can be anything
I can BE
And everything is beautiful.


What Intrigues You?

Faces
Beautiful People
I imagine
Their lives
They ALL radiate
Beauty
and
they
don't
even
know....
I wonder about me?


What Do You Appreciate About The Person You Are?

I Understand....
Sometimes I hate that I understand.


Silence is..
sleep. I rarely even remember
my dreams..
They are absorbed.
Racing mind when I'm awake;
Silence is never truely silent.
Just a sense of..
Stillness
Breathing
Chest wide
Peace.


I Would Like To Travel To:
Must I choose?
Everywhere
I want to drink it all in.


I Want To Experince:
Freedom.


I'm Attracted To The Following Places In Nature:
Deep green; Swaying Trees
The Forest..
Blue deep as night;Soft daylight
Rivers,Oceans.. The sound of water,,
And air.
Rain... Storms.
Fields, That go on forever
Yellow, Green, Flower filled.

I forgive you for being damaged; and in your ignorance damaging me

I was blessed with nine hours of sleep last night. Not continuous sleep, I was wakened a couple times, but nine hours of broken sleep is lightyears better than 0-3 hours of broken sleep which is my norm. I got up at 5:30. Fed and changed the baby, checked my e-mail and Facebook ;) and made myself some coffee and a piece of whole grain toast lightly spread with nutella. I would like to say I got a workout in.. but I haven't ;). I still need to take a shower and possibly get a load of dishes done, before it is time to head out the door to work. I am working on my thinking.. concious and unconcious, and loving myself. I have let both myself and others take so much from me emotionally and physically and conciously haven't even notice. I continued beating myself, not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough energy, not enough not enough. I would withhold rather stupid things from myself. Waiting for a perfect me, and/or a perfect moment. To throughly explain how complete my self denial is, I will give you a mild example of what I caught myself doing this morning. After getting a plate out for my toast I opened the silverware drawer for a butter knife to spread the nutella. I picked up a knife I like , the look the feel. I like it... nothing special about it, but I like it... I found myself putting it down to choose a different butter knife!!! Denying myself the use of a certain butter knife because I LIKE IT? Silly in its underhanded and sneaky self deprecation. Yet kinda major for me when I realized how bad its gotten. I have a skin picking problem. When I was younger(teens and a few time when I was older) I cut. I have been tearing myself to pieces for years. And just not thinking about it. Because no one else seem to notice and definately didn't seem to care. But then again why should they?.. I don't and it isn't really anyone elses problem. I have some pretty severe issues with my parents, especially my mother,that are almost impossible for me to explain. So (I am in tears now) :( Soo I am trying to be more concious of ME. I have some huge changes to make. I am so throughly unhappy. I am NOT ME. Not only the ME I WANT TO BE. But ME at all. No one is going to rescue me. No one is going to suddenly understand me , espeacially if I stay hidden. I have ME and that is all. SO I am going to start looking much deeper at me. ... ...

Breathing (writing exercise)

You were there in my dreams;
my nightmares
In the dark and light of day and night
Alone I listen ragged sobbing,
sleepy soft....
Even when completely forgotten in the heat of any moment
you were still there;
Silent and strong
Sometimes weak, begging greedy gulping
From the moment I was pulled from my mothers ripped womb
I gasped
groping for life
and you were there.

Short Story (A Writing Exercise)

She adjusted his tie. I made some coffee, would you like me to pour you some she asked leaning back to see his face. "Just fill my thermos", he answered distractedly craning to peer over her head
at his phone and some "important" text or such. "Yes Dear" she murmered.
He left grabbing the thermos off the counter, "thanks hon" , he said his back towards her. He was gone again. She went about her normal day. The days had turned into months and months to years. She couldn't remember the last time he had really seen her. She didn't really know if she actually existed anymore. She pressed his shirts and hung them in the closet. Swept the floors, made the bed up with clean linens. Every once in a while she caught herself just standing there staring into space. She shook herself mildly annoyed and headed to the kitchen for a break. pouring herself a cup of coffee. She sat at the table gazing out the the window. It was a beautiful day but she didnt notice. The phone jangled on the wall, and for a moment she didnt notice that either. Then she quickly shook herself "awake" and grabbed the reciever. Randalls Residense she answered pleasently. Hon? I am bringing some co-workers home for dinner. I have to go now. Click. She stood holding the buzzing phone in her hand. How many? ANd well she wasn't at all prepared for this, It was Thursday and usually they went out for dinner on Thursdays. She brushed a light brown strand of hair from her clear green eyes and sighed. Well Then.

Hours later...
Brushing her hands off on her apron, she heard her husbands car pulling into the drive. The soft purr of the engine and then silence . Doors slammed muted in the fuzzy warm summers evening. There was laughter, And her husband coming in the door "Honey!" I'm hooomee! more laughter. The sound of a few women and the barotone laughter of a male. She quickly pulled the apron off. Oh! she sighed I didnt get a chance to clean up! She smoothed her hair and dress with her hands and came out to the livingroom entry. Hullo dear, she said softly. Could you bring some drinks hon? Her husband responded with not much then a glance. She turned away on her heel quickly. She didnt want anyone to see the tears she so acutely felt burning in the corners of her eyes. she could hear the them laughing and talking in the livingroom. She mixed the drinks quickly. Picking up the tray of drinks and snacks she headed for the door of the kitchen. She could seem them sitting on her furniture talking and having a wonderful time. Her husband was speaking to one of the women. Looking her in the eye. She leaned forward saying something softly and then the whole group burst into laughter. The women shook back long blond hair and gave her husband what seemed a very knowing look. Which she could of sworn he returned to the blond woman. Her husband loosened his tie and looked up seeing her in the doorway. Oh hello.... you. Did you bring the drinks? She looked down at the tray in her hand. Oh dear, I forgot something she said , quickly turning back to the kitchen.

She leaned against the counter. Anger and sadness swept through her small frame. She brushed at her eyes. but there were no tears, Just a strange coldness rolling in like a fog, sweeping through her. She walked stiffly to the cabinet beneathe the sink and almost roboticly picked up a box. She mixed the extra ingrediet into the drinks. Smiling a small strange smile she pronounced them perfect. plastering a big smile on her face she picked up the tray , tiltes her head , and set the drinks before her husband and his companions. Thanks hon. he said once more with barely a glance. But then he looked up at her sharply. Are you alright hon? Oh wonderful she smiled, but I think I am going to go poor myself a glass of wine dear. She turned back to the kitchen humming softly. mechanically she opened the bottle of wine and poured herself a healthy dose of red. She could hear strange choking from the livingroom. She sipped her wine smiling and bobbing her head to some tune only she could hear. setting her now empty glass on the cooktop she smoothed her dress and walked her hips swaying gently to the livingoom She pushed the limp form of the blond away from her husband and sat beside him on the sofa. He looked up at her , fear and shock in his quickly glazing eyes. He tried to speak but a frothy foam came from his lips. Oh shh , love she cooed. She kissed him on the forehead. You know how much I love you? she smiled but her eyes were empty.
She pulled him up to a sitting position smoothing the wrinkles from his shirt, she adjusted his tie.